Bill Lavender

The Joy of Christian Sex

This piece was inspired from two disparate sources: J.G. Ballard's "surgeries" series*, and a cassette tape entitled "Made for Pleasure" a friend of my parents gave me for a wedding present in 1975. The tape was a (very explicit) instruction manual for Christian couples. Such manuals along with the newer accessory shops—several with the same title as my piece, and offering such items as Christian vibrators and lubricants with crosses on the vials, along with reams of text on how to have ungodly but Godly orgasms—are widely available on the web now. Since these manuals mostly come from Evangelical sects, I thought it appropriate to insert the names of our most famous evangelicals in place of the anonymous (white bourgeois) pronouns that normally provide agency in these texts. Much of the language was copied directly from these websites though I did feel it incumbent on myself to add what "Biblical" knowledge I could.

*The most notable example of which is "Jane Fonda's Augmentation Mammoplasty" in Semiotext(e) SF, 1989.

The Bible contains relatively few direct commands about the day-to-day living of a Godly marriage, but President of the United States George W. Bush and First Lady Laura Bush, unlike certain of their predecessors, have carefully studied Christian sexual practice.

God intended for most people to be married and for married couples to enjoy healthy sexual relations. In the beginning He proclaimed "It is not good for man to be alone" (Gen. 2:18). Thus, those whom the Lord designed to be married can better serve Him married than single, and since the consummation of the sacrament of marriage is to be found in the sexual act, it follows that we serve the Lord best when engaged in sexual practice: en coitu illuminati.

God gives us great sexual liberty within the marriage union. Sinful practices need to be avoided, but few things are completely excluded. For example, when the President comes home after an exhausting day of world leadership or warfare, he may be distracted and troubled and not inclined to consummate the marriage sacrament in the manner which the First Lady has come to expect with regularity.

Now in the adulterous relationships of some former presidents oral sex is called upon in these situations. But, though oral sex is not expressly forbidden anywhere in the Bible, fellatio is obviously not a practice Christians can condone. So Laura takes George's penis in her hand and gently massages his glans and scrotum while whispering in his ear passages from Paul's second letter to the Corinithians. This is, of course, a perfectly acceptable type of Christian foreplay. And soon President Bush will be fully erect and able to consummate the sacrament.

God's command to us in marriage is cleave and become one. The President of the United States and the First Lady prepare to cleave when the President gently moistens the First Lady's labia with Christian Sexual Lubricant (available on this web site). And when the President of the United States pushes his penis into the First Lady's vagina their two bodies become indistinguishable in God's eyes.

God designed our bodies, minds and emotions so that sex could, and should, include intense physical pleasure beyond anything else we can experience. This is why First Lady Laura Bush prays "Oh God" when the President's fully erect penis enters her womb. God gives us great sexual liberty within the marriage union and besides that makes us stewards of our partners' sexual pleasure. Thus the President may feel free or even obligated to stimulate the First Lady's sexual pleasure with any of the vibrators and other sexual devices available on our web site.

Despite the great liberty afforded to us within the marriage union, there are certain sexual practices that are forbidden in the Christian marriage. It would never be permissible, for example, for President George W. Bush to put his penis in First Lady Laura Bush's anal cavity. The First Lady's rectum is sacrosanct and should never be touched, entered, or even viewed by anyone except a Licensed Medical Professional.

Likewise, since he who has committed adultery in his heart has committed the sin of adultery, President George W. Bush would never imagine having sex with someone other than the First Lady, even if, while enjoying sex with the First Lady, he feels the Presidential Penis relaxing.

And of course the President would never, under any circumstances, even if, while enjoying sexual intercourse with the First Lady, he feels the Presidential Penis relaxing, even then the President of the United States would never imagine putting his penis in the vagina of his daughter, Janna Bush, for the Bible teaches that to imagine a sin is to commit it.

And of course President George W. Bush would never, ever, even if, while enjoying sexual intercourse with the First Lady, he feels the Presidential Penis relaxing, even then the President of the United States would never imagine putting his penis in the vagina of his mother, former First Lady Barbara Bush. For the Bible teaches that to imagine a sin is to commit it, and George W. Bush would never dream of or consider putting his penis in the vagina of his mother, former First Lady Barbara Bush.

Bill Lavender is a poet living in New Orleans. Most recent books include transfixion (Trembling Pillow, 2009), I of the Storm (Trembling Pillow, 2007), While Sleeping (Chax, 2004). He edited the Another South anthology from U. Alabama in 2003, and he has served as guest editor at Exquisite Corpse and Big Bridge. He teaches at the University of New Orleans and is Managing Editor of UNO Press.

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